Panic! Academia!

In Academia there are a lot of normal reasons to get off your skin and panic. Like in any kind of job.
Deadlines, which don't understand that you are not ready to meet them, that you need a bit more time. E-mails, which seem to be hiding and waiting when they can act and crash your mail. Colleagues, who say something without thinking and activate the "self-destruction" mode of your confidence. People in general, who tend to distract you exactly when... what was I going to say?

Etc etc.

But there is one special "I can't do that anymore" panic. And it is not even the infaimous writer's block. It is - "my thought is developing faster than I can comprehend it and then I lose it, though I  know that it could have been a great turn in my dissertation but I lost it before I wrote it down or if I wrote it down I lost the whole bloody train of thoughts that was following it and I am not sure what this theoretician means but I think it relates to my thought that I wrote or maybe didn't somewhere before I don't remember where...I need wine!" panic.

It doesn't even describe the glory of going into your writing when you already read too much of theory and too many of different hypotheses for a normal human being *khammm... academic*.

The moments like this one I always remember what my teacher in Chinese art used to say: "Don't try to understand it, you will unpack yourself" (c)
Students just looked at each other funny and went on writing. What she meant was probably, that we belong not just to a different timeframe but to a completely different culture. And she was worried that if we try to understand it fully, through all the discourses, we will lose our minds.
Well, I don't think she had reasons to worry about 20 years old us. Yet now, I really think there is a limit of what your brain should understand and connect before you "unpack" yourself!

And then I consider going back to working with little kids...

When you want to bike everywhere all the time... but you are a woman!

How endlessly wonderful it is to bike through Gothenburg!
Roads are unwrapping in front of you, people are passing you by so fast that they don't have time to annoy you, separate lines for bikers *occasionally* so you may actually make it to work/home alive, rain and wind when you try to bike up a hill.
Your morning hatred to humanity disappears together with your make-up and hairdo.
Benifits EVERYWHERE!

Well, seriously, I love biking. There are two activities that make me happy: biking and swimming. The second one, unfortunately, means most of the time being trapped with too many people in too little puddle of water. The first one, on the contrary, means avoiding most of annoying encounters on your way through the city.

Lately, happily picking up some of my boyfriend's good habits *including a handy habit of "saving money like a pro" which I picked in theory but still it doesn't affect my bank account in practice* I decided that I had enough of waiting for trams/busses, paying extra money just because I HAVE to go to work *I mean, where is logic in here?* and after investing some money in my precious bike Vincent aka Vinni *yes, van Gogh, what did you expect* I started to bike everywhere.

And I though weather will be my biggest problem. Until this morning.
As most women on this planet I have days when my Body literally screws me over. It doesn't matter how much I care about it, tend and cherish it, it will screw me over when the hormones kick in *for some reasons I always imagine hormones as some kind of rubber bouncy balls that start to act with your slightest move*.
The best part of my "Fuck you! Sincerely yours, Body" monthly routine is what I recently discovered calls: cyclical mastalgia. Everyday term: hurting boobs. Starts with a little discomfort and then turns into "Don't touch me or I'll kill you pain". So it goes.

Did you ever realize how many holes, riffles and steps you have to pass in the city?!
Well, I didn't count them all, but sure as hell, my girls did, moving uncomfortably every time the bike hit one of these traps. So in the end I learned how to get over bumps and holes by standing up on the bike and amortizing the blows from the road in my arms *what a skill, right?*.

I can't help but think that if people who build the roads have the same kind of pain every months the roads would have been smooth and responsive as a gymnastic floor *I managed to squeeze an up-to-date Olympic reference here*

On a serious issue: presents

I think Penny from Big Bang Theory is my favorite hero after Chandler from Friends.
And the next one after him I can relate to. Especially when it comes to my relationship (if we imagine Penny dating Sheldon) and wine.
*I can just as easily put it together and say "my relationship with wine"*

In the process of packing a present for my boyfriend I run through all possible reactions that he will have when I am going to give it to him *holy terror* on his 30th birthday *despicable*.

*Let's skip the fact that it is an original print of Nordic contries' map from 1893, which is already as nerdy as it can go.*

Reactions can include but not limited to: running away, refusing to take the present from my hands, blushing, face-palming, pretending to be dead etc.
As well as the attempts of verbal communication such as: "why do you give me presents when you have so many expenses this month?", "you shouldn't...", "it's really unnecessary", "I don't have a birthday", "do I know you?".
But, as in a good book *like the one with the frog*, there will be a happy ending in which he will accept the present, like it *because I am damn good at making presents* and say "thank you".

And this is when I'm introducing my relationship with wine...

On marriage and friendship...but mostly about women!

Instead of fully focusing on semiotics and be a good scholar I got myself some interesting piece of reading. (I think I just offended semiotics...)

Why Straight Women Are Marrying Each Other?

This is an article about a tribe in Tanzania where women are allowed to marry each other so they can keep their property in the absence of men. It is truly facinating how they manage even if it does not make a power relation between women and men in any way equal, it is still because of men and for men, and women can also be very abusive.
Yet, I got to think of one thing that with all those "but" and "if" gives me a very positive vibe. In her work "Compulsory Heterosexuality and Lesbian Existance" Adrienne Rich, among other issues, brings up a very strong and complex notion of lesbian existance, addressing lesbianism as an extension of feminism. In lesbian existance she sees a possibility for women to break free from the dominating political institution that is based on compulsory heterosexuality therefore establishes male dominancy over women on a lot of levels. Her work was taken to an extreme point of "must" for radical feminism and lesbian existance became addressed as the only certain weapon against male domination and violence. To speak of it very briefly.
Most of the points that Rich brings up in relation to power and lesbian existance are hardly applicable to the tribe's right of the marriage between women. As it is written in the article, women do not have any sexual relationship with each other and even more, the sexuality of a younger woman in a family is always directed towards a man so she will be able to produce a heir.
Yet, one aspect of lesbian existance that shows its complexity fully and often gets lost in the overall discussion about sexuality and power, can be traced in the tribe's tradition. Here comes the positive - female friendship!
While reading the actual stories I could not help but think that most of it, when it works sucessfully for both (or more) women, based on their friendship. Even if this friendship is only coming from women's mutual understanding of danger and lack of possibilities. Rich sees friendship between women as an important part of lesbian existance. Ability to recognise yourself and understand another woman becomes a strong foundation against the institution of male domination. Even if female frendship is not the first thing that springs to mind when one hears "lesbian existance", it is in there, nevertheless, and Rich stresses it as an important element of women's resistance.

So, yes, my point here - my grandma is wrong! Surprised? Well, alright, I was not writing this all to say that my grandma is wrong (ha!) but it came to my mind during my struggle with editing. She used to tell me from a very early age: "Do not trust girlfriends! They will betray you! You should only be good friends with guys."
Needless to say that I did not listen. Even as a child I had a strong feeling that gender has nothing to do with betrayal and if all girls are bitches then who am I? I can say that I was also a very pessimistic child and thought that there is no safety in any gender (or sexuality... do not get me started on this!). Yet I had a strong will to believe in female friendship being powerful, trustfull and long-lasting.
It paid off!

I am back!

Who cares? No one? Anyone?
Well, ok, let's be honest - I really need a place for all my crazy ideas, thoughts and sarcastic references because my supervisors look at my funny when I try to put them all in my dissertation.
So here I am!

We'll see what's gonna come out of it this time! 

Par Live. Part 3 - High heels off, I am feeling alive

On a day third hot men were replaced by one beautiful woman. By Sharon den Adel precisely, a front lady of Within Temptation. I honestly expected: 1. Her - to be somehow a diva, like Tarja of ex-Nightwish; 2. Myself - to be calm, dance a bit and enjoy; 3. The weather - to be hot and sunny.
The day was full of surprises ;)

















1. Sharon is wonderful and her voice is as beautiful on the open air festival as it is on the record.
This cover send us all up (though we were already soaking wet, dancing in a big puddle of water)



2. I'll never try to stand still when they play. It's impossible!

3. And as I mentioned already - it was raining. Yeah, just a bit...

Yes, I had a cold after but it worth it! ;)

Park Live. Day 1. Put on your red shoes... lipstick!

I think this festival has only one minus. Sound! Yes, Poets of the Fall did suffere from it. As well as Limp Bizkit in the beginning. But when Poets were trying to be nice and remind the sound crew that they should listent to what's going, Limp Bizkit frontman just gave a microphone WTF-look and magicly it started to work. Otherwise it was AWESOME!
Music, weather, company and a lot of expensive water ;)
Ladies were very pleased to get red brasslets!

"POTF will release a new album while you are getting ready,girls!" (c) ;)

Limp Bizkit. Me - I'll sit on the grass... ok I'll stand here, behind everyone... yeah, they seems good... Uhoooooo!!!!

Vera was right - Limp Bizkit is not about words and music it's about beat and the crazy wave they send that the whole Fan Zone, including me, was jumping like crazy! They are like drums of ancient priests that one just can't stand still. Very beasty feeling! ;)

Oh, David Bowie

One more ear/eye/brain candy from Beat Film Festival was a movie dedicated to David Bowie.
"David Bowie: Five Years" by Francis Whately shows Bowie's transformation from Ziggy Stardust to the serious soul singer, from Thin White Duke to the Major Tom and finally to the one of the most expansive singers EMI ever sign up a contract with. First of all the movie is indeed interesting for rare documentary videos and interviews with people who followed Bowie during all these years (priceless realisation how modest is one of my heros Brain Eno). It's so full of everything that only in the end I realized that I haven't seen real, contemporary Bowie in it, only his voice and old documentaries. It has so much drive in it - from music, from Bowie personality, from incredible beat of energy that makes you feel from complitely useless creature to the happiest person living on earth. I love the feeling when you actually want to applaud in the cinema.
Yet, apart from all above, there was one amazing thing that I never knew about Bowie. His work on Broadway in "The Elephant Man".
Oh, dear! "goosebumps" (from 5'14'')

"Turning"

I wish the trailer could show more so I won't have to struggle with words and just say - look at it, it's beautiful. But it's quite wordless and imageless compare to the movie itself. I assume even the authors couldn't put it together to present the movie short but fully. So I excuse myself for a struggle I gone through just to start writing about it.
There is nothing left to it when the light goes off and you hear the music for the first time. Don't know how will it be watching this movie at home, in the middle of the day, surrounded by real life. Probably then I would get less emotional and more reasonable and will take a closer look at the very important issues of gender and personal identity that are actually the main for all performance.
This documentary, music, women telling their stories bring up so many questions and ideas that no brain can handle immidiately. That's why on my part I just decide to focus on the beauty of visual representation. And it's a beauty indeed. The pictures of women were made by two cameras and immidiately projected on the screen. Anotony was performing the song that in his idea reflects the personality of a woman present on a stage. These images, changed and transformed by two angles camera work, together with music present heartstoping mosaic of pictures. Even though almost all of the heros telling the stories of their lives between music performances, you see them in a make up room, laughing and sleeping on the bus, when they are on the stage - there is nothing left of real life. There are only stories created of bodies, looks, music and lyric. This performance is such a strong visualisation of how the big issues of gender, rase, skin color, religion becomes equal against the fragile beauty of life and music.
"I wanted to matter. Because I was so judged one of the things I wanted the most was never to be judged. And I wanted to be beautiful."(c)

Oh, Amsterdam. Del 1.

Det var så många saker jag gillade om dig att det kommer att tar tid för mig att beskriva allt! Men jag kan kanske börja nu:
Den bästa engelska bokhandeln jag någonsin sett!!! "Ja, det är ett träd"

Tre eller fyra våningar! " mitt huvud snurrade med glädje jag inte minns hur många det var"

Jag kunde stanna där i timmar =)

Mer av Amsterdam att komma =>

PS Score, btw!
http://flavorwire.com/254434/the-20-most-beautiful-bookstores-in-the-world?all=1